i wrote you a book, its called "FUCK OFF" [27 May 2005|04:23am] HERES ME BEING A DRAMA QUEEEN. WOE IS ME!for I am undone! oh how horrid my life is! since you all know me so well. heres a few paragraphs to express how i feel. read and revised few times so that i know for sure what im saying is clear. nothing in this is irrelavant, if you think it is, re-read it. and no you dont have to read it, but JUST incase you do, its all there, heartfelt and all. before you read this, take everything you think you know about me, and throw it away, maybe then it might make sense. yes im aware of the fact im about to use swear words a lot, when i hardly ever do, it expresses my upmost anger(THAT MEANS ITS DIRECTED TOWARD YOU -wink-). no I'm not complex, no im not tortured, my life ISNT horrible, and i dont try and make it out to be. the fact i do things that i do is because i honestly do them for reasons i say. no underlying meaning, nothing like that. how you want to take it is up to you. no i dont try to make a scene, not anymore. i spent a lot of time getting away from that. this really quite honestly is my last post, only reason im posting one more time is so i don't have to tell you fuckers to your face. pretty immature? yup. and so are you. your just people to me from now on. and i mean this from the bottom of my heart. only reason i never opened up to you guys or even tried is because of bullshit like this. when i do open up to someone they turn it around like im doing it for sympathy, then pretend like they are friends and try to "help me" which they later go around and talk shit behind my back. even when i make it clear it not that case so theres no confusion (and no theres no reverse psychology or any of that bullshit in play). you say you want to understand me and be my friend (and God as my witness i tried)well that doesn't involve talking behind my back and constantly making judgements about my character. and you wonder why none of you know me, or at least say you dont know me, some say you do think you do, heh. you have some fucked up movie life in your head, people do drugs because they are sad and want to get away from things, but in real life no one does that, everyone know people who do drugs are trying to get attention! duh! oh wait, thats right, it really does work, so thats where they got the idea! hey and guess what, did i ever go out and say HEY EVERYONE IM ON DRUGS FEEL SORRY FOR ME! (i even used visene[sp?] everytime i did something that would give away i did drugs[thanks visene that expired in 2001], only time i told people is when it didnt work and it was overly obvious i was on something and i didnt know that i was showing signs, guess it doesnt matter im typing this since you all talked behind my back about it and know i do them even when i asked you sincerly not to) no i told maybe 2-3 people that i did them because of recent events,only close "friends"(or what i thought to be so), and when one person didnt work or give me answers i tried another, i was and am lost.i was hoping for a way out, that maybe a friend could help me out,I AM a weak person i know that and admit it AND was trying to fix it, but i was hoping not alone, and i did need friends to help me through things(not anymore) guess thats why we have that language thing isnt it? we're a social race, designed to talk, you honestly think i do this shit for attention? well keep thinking so. you think i like drugs? sure they make me feel good, but i hate being on them, and anyone that knew me well knew that, i wouldnt even take advil for the longest time for god sakes and i wouldnt even drink when i was around Natalie, only times i did was when she talked me into it i would do it because it made her happy.I even quit smoking for 2 weeks for her because i didnt want to be a bad influence, then started back up when we broke up. i was down that road of using things to get away from pain once, i hated it and didnt wanna go back, but it worked. wanna know why i smile? because im high on something. EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR THE PAST MONTH AND A HALF. any half rational person knows drugs are ridiculously stupid, and have no real benifit, and ive seen what they do to people and i know how they act and i know i hate it, but it works, it makes things go away. i needed FRIENDS to tell me it will be ok, not that im a stupid fuck and im retarded, yup thanks guys(i just realized now, thats what i was looking for at the time, but not anymore). wanna know why Natalies death bothers me? its not some eleborate ploy using a fairytale love story im trying to make up to make people sorry for me, because it was far from(the pictures? yeah, so i do this thing called ART, yup, it helps me express feelings, pretty unmanly of me.), and its not because im trying to act like we had a perfect relationship or that it ended on halfway good terms or even that i was acting like i dated her at the time, because it didn't, doesn't mean i didn't love her, you guys never knew the whole story, i never told ANYONE the entire thing, infact i dont even know for certain if i knew what the full extent of what happened, but i do know i knew her well and that i have a pretty good idea of what happened, which is none of your guys's damn buisiness why we broke up,i fucked things up, period.(i can think of one person who would possibly know, and thats because he talked to her a lot and knew the problem) and even if that isnt the case, it doesn't change the fact i loved her. so continuing, its because of two reasons, shes gone because of me, no one wont change my mind(at the time i was hoping someone would, heh, no luck with that AND FOR THE TEN THOUSANDTH TIME IM NOT SAYING IT BECAUSE I WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME, IM SAYING IT BECAUSE I BELIEVE ITS THE GOD HONEST TRUTH. get-that-in-your-head), second shes only person that i EVER really opened up to(i told her things that i wanted to tell people for years but was scared to, and it took her an entire year of begging to open me up(only reason i did was because i saw the relationship falling apart because there was no communication and i didnt want to lose her) but she was there and she listened, and only comforted me/gave me honest advice), i cant talk to my mom because theres a language barier, i dont speak fluent enough Polish to elaborate on things, its home sheltered language, and my sister is never home. and i havent been friends with ANYONE long enough and mature enough to trust them fully. and i mean this when i say it, i could have cared less if she never talked to me again(doesn't seems to make sense but there was that slight chance), at least i would have known she was ok, and that possibly i could have made amends, which was my intention. and im pretty sure if you read the things she wrote me when we where having a hard time she was hoping for the same, even if she was dating someone else. it already happened once, and i knew her pertty well. -PST-and besides people can still be friends after they date, heh. the love i had for her was way more then romantic and i didn't fully realize that until she was gone, for good. so fuck you all who talked behind my back. im so sick of all this bullshit, really i am. if you wanted to say something SAY IT TO MY FUCKING FACE. want my address? 4413 edgemont Dr. here ill even mapquest it for you My House. yes im angry, very much so, because people think they know me(and no this isnt some big fucking game to see how deep the all elusive Lukasz can be, heh. because it sure as hell isnt what im trying to do. thats what some of you think im trying to do, isnt it? i think i know you guys better then you think you know me.), even when they say they don't know me. You dont understand because you can't connect, you've never been in my shoes.AND YES, i know people have gone through worse shit, im well aware of the fact, but that has NOTHING to do with the point. You assume, make judgments and say shit behind my back like god damn 4th graders. i tried to make myself as clear and be as honest as possible in this entry so theres no confusion. only reason im posting this is maybe one day you will realize how ignorant and judgmental you are when you really honestly dont know shit about someone, and that, is the damn honest truth. you think you know me, well try for once in your god damned life to take a step back and LISTEN. stop thinking your so right, there is no looking at both sides with this, there is no argueing, i know what i FEEL, you can't tell me that, I've gone through it over and over, to make sure its right and that im not fooling myself. but its so easy to assume huh? hope i covered everything. P.S. thanks for wasting 3.5 hours of my life writing this unnecessary slew of shit. P.P.S. oh, and GROW THE FUCK UP.

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